Best suggestion I have for you: you and all Bruce's friends should write out 3-5 stories each over the next week or two and then share them all with each other. In person or via zoom.
This was a fantastic read Frank. Both for your absurd brushes with no-hitters, and the incredible work you do to help people dealing with trauma. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks. I don't think the no-hitter is going to happen for me. But...if I had gotten to one, all I would say is "I was there for xxx's no hitter." Not as good a tale as all the misses.
I have a good friend who lost her husband to suicide a few years ago and the emotions you describe in your excerpt sound very familiar. Thanks for sharing - and for all you do to help people find a way to live for themselves and the people who love them.
I ended up breaking down in tears later in the day. I’m flighting them back now as I write this. My best friend from college, William, died alone in hotel room in Berlin almost 4 years ago. We had drifted apart after college but still talked a couple of time a year. I was struggling to keep in touch with college friends already before his death, after his death it basically dropped to zero. I never really dealt with his death and just tried to avoid thinking about, but it’s been more and more on my mind the last couple years.
Okay, I’m crying now.
I reached out to another one of our old college roommates and we’re going to catch up tomorrow. Frank, thank you for this post. Thank you for all your hard work. I ordered your play earlier this week, it arrived today and I tore through it in one sitting. It was excellent but also made me profoundly sad. I hope more people read and or see it.
You are doing the absolute right thing. Writing about him. Contacting friends. Getting together with others to talk and perhaps grieve. I like making people laugh, both in person and through writing. If I can do that, it means that there was a connection. Some kind of acknowledgement that we both see an issue in the same absurd or tragic way and realize we aren't alone. But I really value helping people see that they can make their lives a little better through some positive action. So, thanks for telling me. The purpose of the post (and a partial one of the book) was to get people to recognize what changes they need they make to deal with grief and then to start. Really great. Consider writing about him for 30 days. Every day. You'll get to the other side.
Thank you. My stepson passed away on Halloween, 11 days ago, alone in a hotel, losing his substance abuse battle. He was 21. I have given my wife, his inconsolable mother, the links to several of the articles you listed. Free Thursday or not, I would have passed them to her anyway. It was not her fault. But try telling a mother that.
Thank you for turning up at exactly the right time.
I want to be clear. He had given away all his things...guitars, keyboards, etc. Made arrangements for his dog's care. He cashed his last paycheck from the grooming shop where he worked, bought a boatload of drugs, checked into the hotel, and finally completed his intended exit
He could not stop thinking, he was highly intelligent. He could not turn off his empathy for others and animals. He felt life was useless, no one cared about anything other than themselves. He worried about the earth running out of water, he worried about his mother (though not enough to keep his promise to her not to self-harm). He was supposed to return to work with her at our grooming shop on the day he died and he never showed up. He was to be taught to finish faces so that he could sell that skill anywhere or getting his shit together and maybe take over our shop. He never showed up. He didn't call her, did not answer her texts or take her calls.
He wasn't weak, he was lost, struggling to get through each day. He stole, he lied. He was funny, sweet, and kind. He was also an asshole, mean and self-centered. It wasn't easy for him. Life was painful. I loved him. I hated the disease. I hate it more now.
Our last interaction...
March 2021: His mother found him in his room in our house at 2 a.m. high, face down in a plate of food, unable to rouse him completely. She called the police. They took his drugs away and took him to the hospital. He blamed me, saying I did that. I was sleeping. Chantale decided not to wake me and handle it quietly and by herself, only telling me after the incident was over.
I got a text from Grant in April.
Grant: I hate you. I can't wait for you to die. When you die I will get my mother back.
I chose not to respond.
Three weeks ago I got another text, out of the blue.
Grant: I said some really mean things to you. I am sorry.
Me: Thank you for that.
Grant: This doesn't mean we have to talk every day.
I laughed. He could be so many people. I wish we could have found the magic to save him from himself.
This is so important to share and talk about. People blame themselves for shit that isn't their fault. It takes me a while to break through to them. Everything on my site is free to access. I have some writings up there specifically for parents of kids who died from substances/suicide. Please share it with her. Also...I can connect her with other mothers who share her experience who are further down the road.
I work in mental health tho I don't have the patience for individual or one on one work and these suicide resources are perfect. Thank you for speaking up and for putting all this together.
Thanks Tom. I'm best in group and writing and speaking. I think one-on-ones can be pretty draining on therapists. I talk to my interns and students and supervisees all the time about self care. Anyway, please share anything there that you think might help someone. All free. No ads.
Thanks for the post Frank...some important stuff in there.
Less important is what I share with you in regards to perfect games and no-hitters. The week that ended with Wells' perfecto on that Sunday, I had already attended 4 Yankees games. 2 vs TEX and 2 vs MIN. Yankees split those games. So we were sitting in the Stadium as the Saturday game ended and my friends and I discussed going to the game on Sunday. I told them it was Beanie Baby day and didn't want to deal with that crowd. So yeah...missed it.
The other one was Doc's no-hitter in a couple of years before. The company I worked for had season tix and I was always offered them if they hadn't been requested. I turned them down for this game because...well, I was going to a lot of games back then and didn't want to deal with the hassle of going on a random Tuesday night. But wait...later that day I got offered tickets AGAIN for the game that night from a friend. Again...turned them down. A second time. I'm that guy.
By the way, in honor of Frank's ability to miss no-hitters, my talent is making the Dodgers lose when I watch them. They don't always win when I don't watch. But they manage to lose if I do watch. They still haven't sent me my World Series share from 2020. It's very upsetting.
Frank... THANK YOU. Thank you for this post, and for helping so many people. I'm sure your work feels Sisyphian sometimes, but I want you know that I sincerely thank you, and that it gives me more hope than I might otherwise have in what can sometimes feel like a cold world when I'm reminded that there are those like you out there, helping veterans and all kinds of people with mental health and substance abuse. Some of the issues you work with have cut close to and across my life. I like that you encourage people to write about those they've lost. Writing as therapy... it works. I've used it. I've etched words in the grooves of an LP about a friend who was lost to substance abuse, unfortunately something too prevalent in the music scene writ large. One more time, thank you.
And hey, if you're ever about to go to a baseball game, and on the spur of the moment make a decision not to do so, would you sell me your tickets or at least please let me know? ;)
Best suggestion I have for you: you and all Bruce's friends should write out 3-5 stories each over the next week or two and then share them all with each other. In person or via zoom.
This was a fantastic read Frank. Both for your absurd brushes with no-hitters, and the incredible work you do to help people dealing with trauma. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks. I don't think the no-hitter is going to happen for me. But...if I had gotten to one, all I would say is "I was there for xxx's no hitter." Not as good a tale as all the misses.
Absolutely! This makes for a much better story. May you have many more no-hitter misses in your future…
I have a good friend who lost her husband to suicide a few years ago and the emotions you describe in your excerpt sound very familiar. Thanks for sharing - and for all you do to help people find a way to live for themselves and the people who love them.
I'm glad that she has someone like you to talk to and support her. So important to have someone around that doesn't treat them like they are from Mars
Great read. I desperately want that Star Wars shirt.
haha. I think I got it on Amazon.
Well written and moving, Frank. Thank you.
I almost broke out in tears on the subway reading this. Thank you Frank.
ah, man. Thanks.
I ended up breaking down in tears later in the day. I’m flighting them back now as I write this. My best friend from college, William, died alone in hotel room in Berlin almost 4 years ago. We had drifted apart after college but still talked a couple of time a year. I was struggling to keep in touch with college friends already before his death, after his death it basically dropped to zero. I never really dealt with his death and just tried to avoid thinking about, but it’s been more and more on my mind the last couple years.
Okay, I’m crying now.
I reached out to another one of our old college roommates and we’re going to catch up tomorrow. Frank, thank you for this post. Thank you for all your hard work. I ordered your play earlier this week, it arrived today and I tore through it in one sitting. It was excellent but also made me profoundly sad. I hope more people read and or see it.
You are doing the absolute right thing. Writing about him. Contacting friends. Getting together with others to talk and perhaps grieve. I like making people laugh, both in person and through writing. If I can do that, it means that there was a connection. Some kind of acknowledgement that we both see an issue in the same absurd or tragic way and realize we aren't alone. But I really value helping people see that they can make their lives a little better through some positive action. So, thanks for telling me. The purpose of the post (and a partial one of the book) was to get people to recognize what changes they need they make to deal with grief and then to start. Really great. Consider writing about him for 30 days. Every day. You'll get to the other side.
Nice to see a fellow Rutgers alum doing good.
Thank you. My stepson passed away on Halloween, 11 days ago, alone in a hotel, losing his substance abuse battle. He was 21. I have given my wife, his inconsolable mother, the links to several of the articles you listed. Free Thursday or not, I would have passed them to her anyway. It was not her fault. But try telling a mother that.
Thank you for turning up at exactly the right time.
I want to be clear. He had given away all his things...guitars, keyboards, etc. Made arrangements for his dog's care. He cashed his last paycheck from the grooming shop where he worked, bought a boatload of drugs, checked into the hotel, and finally completed his intended exit
He could not stop thinking, he was highly intelligent. He could not turn off his empathy for others and animals. He felt life was useless, no one cared about anything other than themselves. He worried about the earth running out of water, he worried about his mother (though not enough to keep his promise to her not to self-harm). He was supposed to return to work with her at our grooming shop on the day he died and he never showed up. He was to be taught to finish faces so that he could sell that skill anywhere or getting his shit together and maybe take over our shop. He never showed up. He didn't call her, did not answer her texts or take her calls.
He wasn't weak, he was lost, struggling to get through each day. He stole, he lied. He was funny, sweet, and kind. He was also an asshole, mean and self-centered. It wasn't easy for him. Life was painful. I loved him. I hated the disease. I hate it more now.
Our last interaction...
March 2021: His mother found him in his room in our house at 2 a.m. high, face down in a plate of food, unable to rouse him completely. She called the police. They took his drugs away and took him to the hospital. He blamed me, saying I did that. I was sleeping. Chantale decided not to wake me and handle it quietly and by herself, only telling me after the incident was over.
I got a text from Grant in April.
Grant: I hate you. I can't wait for you to die. When you die I will get my mother back.
I chose not to respond.
Three weeks ago I got another text, out of the blue.
Grant: I said some really mean things to you. I am sorry.
Me: Thank you for that.
Grant: This doesn't mean we have to talk every day.
I laughed. He could be so many people. I wish we could have found the magic to save him from himself.
This is so important to share and talk about. People blame themselves for shit that isn't their fault. It takes me a while to break through to them. Everything on my site is free to access. I have some writings up there specifically for parents of kids who died from substances/suicide. Please share it with her. Also...I can connect her with other mothers who share her experience who are further down the road.
Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me, and hopefully, Chantale.
Frank, you have a gift, a calling. Thank you for pursuing it so strongly. You and your work will have an amazing ripple effect.
Hey Frank,
I work in mental health tho I don't have the patience for individual or one on one work and these suicide resources are perfect. Thank you for speaking up and for putting all this together.
Thanks Tom. I'm best in group and writing and speaking. I think one-on-ones can be pretty draining on therapists. I talk to my interns and students and supervisees all the time about self care. Anyway, please share anything there that you think might help someone. All free. No ads.
Thanks for the post Frank...some important stuff in there.
Less important is what I share with you in regards to perfect games and no-hitters. The week that ended with Wells' perfecto on that Sunday, I had already attended 4 Yankees games. 2 vs TEX and 2 vs MIN. Yankees split those games. So we were sitting in the Stadium as the Saturday game ended and my friends and I discussed going to the game on Sunday. I told them it was Beanie Baby day and didn't want to deal with that crowd. So yeah...missed it.
The other one was Doc's no-hitter in a couple of years before. The company I worked for had season tix and I was always offered them if they hadn't been requested. I turned them down for this game because...well, I was going to a lot of games back then and didn't want to deal with the hassle of going on a random Tuesday night. But wait...later that day I got offered tickets AGAIN for the game that night from a friend. Again...turned them down. A second time. I'm that guy.
Hahahahahah. Fuck dude. I'm not happy about this, but damn, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who fucked up a bunch of no-hit opportunities.
Great read, and I bow to Frank on many levels.
By the way, in honor of Frank's ability to miss no-hitters, my talent is making the Dodgers lose when I watch them. They don't always win when I don't watch. But they manage to lose if I do watch. They still haven't sent me my World Series share from 2020. It's very upsetting.
Frank... THANK YOU. Thank you for this post, and for helping so many people. I'm sure your work feels Sisyphian sometimes, but I want you know that I sincerely thank you, and that it gives me more hope than I might otherwise have in what can sometimes feel like a cold world when I'm reminded that there are those like you out there, helping veterans and all kinds of people with mental health and substance abuse. Some of the issues you work with have cut close to and across my life. I like that you encourage people to write about those they've lost. Writing as therapy... it works. I've used it. I've etched words in the grooves of an LP about a friend who was lost to substance abuse, unfortunately something too prevalent in the music scene writ large. One more time, thank you.
And hey, if you're ever about to go to a baseball game, and on the spur of the moment make a decision not to do so, would you sell me your tickets or at least please let me know? ;)
Fabulous article Frank! Thanks for sharing. I was at one no-hitter by Craig's favorite team. It involved 3 pitchers. https://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/ATL/ATL199109110.shtml
Frank...you do work that most simply cannot fathom. Thank you.
thank you for this.